me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
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Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
March 16
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me