Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
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Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
and this one
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Animal poetry
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs