Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
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Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Sooo many times…..
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Computer: shutting down
Me: same