My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
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Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me: