I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
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*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok