I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
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*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
The future is now.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up