After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
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The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo