Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
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Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.