[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
You Might Also Like
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Saw online –
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.