cats when you pet them too long:
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My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
twitter users today:
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
and now we wait
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.