YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
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Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
🤣🤣🤣
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.