4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
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Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Well, this is awkward
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.