How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
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Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots