I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
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me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
It do be feeling this way.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Me: how are you
Friday: good
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
#oldknees
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja