The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
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[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
#inspiration #foodforthought
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR