I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
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Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.