me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
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Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Always leave them wanting their money back.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Just ordered me some pizza!
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Put this video in the Louvre
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
That was easy.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.