Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
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me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
😂😂😂
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Saturday
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.