Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
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You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
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5.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog