my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
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Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Teach your children to beatbox
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
How it started: How it’s going:
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
The future is now.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.