Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
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What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS