Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
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[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
me linking you to my twitter
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way