If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
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I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Before & after 😅
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
when mom throws a party…
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
oh you wanna fight?!