Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
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Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
My safe word is Worcestershire
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)