Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
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I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
mom gave me mine for free
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!