[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
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my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.