My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
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Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
gentlemen, hear me out
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?