Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
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They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Hotels are back
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
no refunds