my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
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2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
#polloftheday
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.