I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
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Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.