I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
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I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.