I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
You Might Also Like
Never ghost your hitman.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”