Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
You Might Also Like
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer