I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
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Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
I think about this a lot
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor