Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
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[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.