Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
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I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
True?
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
cause of death:
autopsy.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.