But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
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When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?