If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
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Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
A woman drives into a bar.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.