instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
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[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Sell your car
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.