Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
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so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
#merica
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.