My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
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date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.