You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
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Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon