Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
You Might Also Like
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.