FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
You Might Also Like
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Put the is in disheveled