Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
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If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
reduce, reuse, recycle
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Netflix: We have Less
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
oppen heimer style lol
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!