I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
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Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.