[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
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[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!