All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
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Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*