get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
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I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Google assistant rules
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.