Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
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ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
kitchen magnet
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.